Choking on a Blonde Redhead

I came to a realization today…

I was reading a book, Choke, by Chuck Palahniuk, and of course someone, always someone has to ask you what are you reading? Then the next question to follow is…anyone have a guess? What's it about? That's right, the two most annoying questions in the world. Just as you're in the middle of the last paragraph of the chapter, some asshole has to interrupt and ask you not one, but both of these fucking questions.

This time I was lucky enough to get a third question and an out of the ordinary one at that.
What's your bookmark?
What the fuck?

How am I ever gonna finish this book with questions like these?

I pulled the bookmark from the front, cause honestly I didn't know, nor had I paid a single bit of attention to it. It's a bookmark, it performs its job perfectly, no questions asked.

It's a Blonde Redhead ticket stub I say.

Then I began to inspect the ticket. Sept. 12 2007. I remember this show! Jasmin met me at the Berg. I had a bit of a headache. We walked to the Blue Note. We talked about things. I talked to someone on the bench outside of the Blue Note about the next Brickwall. We watched half of the show and then left cause my headache was worse.

Huh…that was almost a year ago. It was exactly a week later that shit hit the fan. It was on that day, at the Blonde Redhead show, little did I know, that I had pretty much lost her already, that there was really no going back for me. I was to her a lost cause on Sept 12 2007. She was just going through the motions of what would be the painful end for both of us. At that show, I, selfishly sitting there thinking only about how tired I was and how much my head was hurting, she, already thinking for days…weeks, how much she had been hurting for so long due to my selfishness.

How wide awake we become when light thrown upon the past, yet how blind we choose to remain stumbling into the darkness of what's to come.

So, how wide awake have I become?

Well let's see.

I've come to realizes that I did a great job of alienating my close friends even though they wanted to help or listen.

I have a tolerance for drinking to match that of my fathers. (that's not a good thing)

That two grown men in there 30's can still end up at Stephens College dorm late at night.

I can let someone care for me even though I hate the thought of it.

That with a little help, I've learned to smile again.

That trust is more than just a word.

That I am jaded far beyond belief by two different women that I cared so much about, and that trust is going to be hard to come by and I feel very sorry for her or anyone in the future.

That grief is a funny thing, and that after so many years with someone, how you forget the simplest thing like the sound of her voice.

So that's what I’m choking on now