What? Yeah, I know, doesn't make a lot of sense.
I've recently came to realizes that my depression about my former gal was, for the most part, one grand delusion. When everything hit the fan, I thought I had lost the best thing that had ever happened to me. (I was wrong)
I've always had the philosophy that there is not just one fish in the sea, but rather many, at any place and at any time. Now, finding them isn't always easy. The likelihood of there being just one person out there, albeit a romantic ideal; is completely and whole heartedly foolish.
Some how, with the loss, loneliness and rejection, I think some where deep inside I started to believe that romantic notion, in order to not allow myself to heal, a masochists drowned by love.
The truth is, and I think she would be more comfortable agreeing with what I'm about to say a year later, neither of us were happy and hadn't been for probably over a year, maybe even more. We were comfortable, and that is a scary fucking place to be.
I know my Father's death was a big crushing blow to the relationship. Would I act or change the things I did during that painful time? Hard to say, I did what I needed to do to survive. Sorry, but get back to me when you experience the same.
What I knew as what, isn't what I thought it was when I wanted it to be. I never thought I would be in the place where I am today, I am happier than I can ever remember. I laugh more, I smile more. I feel like I’m more.
I've never like writing journals, I never liked rereading my misery or better said, what I thought was misery. The fact is, I don't know misery. Anyway, It always sounds so trite. I'm not going to delete anything from the blog and out of respect for myself, I have taped and seal the physical journal up.
So this is what…
1 comment:
Well put friend.
It's the easy, natural thing to do when a relationship ends.
I agree, the whole notion of a single "soulmate" out there, just waiting to find that one and only person that completes them, is utter nonsense. We don't have one best friend who is our perfect match in life, we have lots of people that resonate with us; lovers are the same I think. It's not a matter of finding that one perfect person, it's about the ability to really love. Your man Rollo May talks about this in "Love and Will," as does Erich Fromm in "The Art of Loving," and I heard a great quote in a mediocre movie once, "Love isn't an emotion, it's an ability."
What you have to say about comfort is spot-on as well. So often, we stay where we are in life because it's what we're accustomed to, not because it's what we really want or need deep down. Comfort is reassuring, and we'd usually rather be comfortable than do something new. Change is uncomfortable, and so are growth and development and learning. It's stepping outside our comfort zone and getting uncomfortable for a while that helps us grow as people...
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