***This is a collection of various bits I've written in my journal over the last week. I thought I would share. These are in no particular order.***
...To be honest I feel ashamed. My friends who have entered this blogging world by my side are writing fantastic, intelligent, heartfelt and thoughtful blogs, while I sit and spew nauseating tears over a wound I have yet to let heal.
...To those of you who know me, no good and well that I don't share my feelings or the goings on inside my head. I thought that through blogging that I might at least be able to share with you a bit of myself and what's troubling me in greater detail, but I didn't think I would share so much. I don't like it. I don't like reading myself. With all these thoughts and emotions jammed in my head, it makes it hard to filter the right ones from the wrong ones. I have difficulties completing thoughts and coherent messages. Did I always suck this bad at writing?
...I've been contemplating forgiveness…forgiving the whole damn situation. Forgiving so that I can let go…to understand that she is not deserving of my attention, my thoughts or my memories.
...But I'm afraid, afraid my forgiveness will only be temporary…
...I want to say thank you to those of you who can see through my act and respect me enough to not ask what's going on or if I'm alright. You have been patient through my anger and my drinking. Thank you!!
...I must consider forgiveness more thoroughly…I think I must do it in order to live, because right now I'm dying and I don't really even care that much.
~Thedante
2 comments:
Yes, forgiveness is key.
When I think there's something important that needs to be said, I often turn to Buddha; he seems to have anticipated every human situation we may ever find ourselves in.
"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
and
"You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger."
I believe that is so very true, which is why I'm always getting on your ass about the "dark side." All our emotions are focused inward, not outward like we often think. (I know, we've had this conversation before). Our emotions are what we feel about ourselves and our reaction to and perception of the external world. When we hold on to that anger, we are practicing a form of masochism, we are punishing and hating ourselves, not some other person or thing in the external world.
How many people do you know who've gotten bitter and unhappy in their old age because of something in the past they're holding on to? I certainly know a few.
You are a kind and genuine person, and this is why people gravitate toward you. It's something that's easy to see when you look for, though mostly we don't. (Remember the McDonald's lady and her comment about your eyes? That's an example of someone who saw). Mostly we aren't looking though, because we all walk through our day-to-day life pretending, playing a role, and it would be "rude" to see through that, to break the facade we're all practicing and talk about things that really matter, things that are beneath the surface, bundled up tightly inside us and well hidden from the other actors around us. But, that's what touchstones are for right? Those are the people that we're tethered to that can help us make sense of these things, that can help validate what we're feeling.
Ok, sorry for the novel, but here's one of my other favorite dead guys with some encouragement:
Helplessness is a transitory condition ~ Erich Fromm
Forgiveness is tough...I'll attest to that. But it can't be forced. When you are ready, it will happen. And it really is a relief when it comes.
Just remember though, she doesn't care what you are feeling...as hard as that is to accept. Even if for a brief moment you think she might, you must remind yourself that she didn't do this to you, you are choosing to do this to yourself...she caused the initial hurt; you chose how to respond & how you are continuing to respond.
I don't have a lot of room to talk, but just take your time with this. Know that the way you are feeling is valid, but perhaps self inflicted. We cannot control how other behave, but we can control how we respond to what they do. Don't give her more glory by continuing to torture yourself.
Hang in there...
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